Something to Prove

2/21

There's so much pressure put on me by so many things; being the only son, being the middle child, being the only one who has a potential to give back to my parents, my parents patiently waiting for my success. All these things being said, theres one that's more weighty, the desire to always prove myself to others. I am always trying to tell people that I am worthy. Worthy of their time, their love, their attention and their praise. I am always seeking validation from people who doesn't even matter. 

I think that because of my sexual orientation, I have always tried to fit in; because of my face, I have always tried to make people laugh; because of my lack of money, I have always made sure people have a good time while I'm around. The things around me that make up my whole being has asked me to always try to make up for what I lack. I was never enough. Who I am was never enough. I was always lacking something so I have to overcompensate for something.

Now, as I go about the world and meet people I have learned that people who have found themselves worthy at an early age appreciate other people who are truly themselves as well. I have learned that people who does not ask for validation from anyone thrive in their fields because they know and understand what they bring into the table. They know what they are worth and will not take anything less than that. This has become such a challenge for me. Growing up inadequate and lacking not only of physical but also of  emotional needs, knowing my worth is foreign to me.

I am slowly trying to make myself whole as I grow. I am trying to fill up the gaps of my jigsaw puzzle called Jonathan. I do not fully know him yet, I don't fully understand who he is yet, but I know that whoever he is, he is enough.