The first few hours

1/4

Why do I always never know what to do after washing the dishes I used for breakfast? Everyday I would wake up make breakfast and wash the dishes, maybe make my bed and then I slump on the side of the bed and be on my phone for s while just to feel something. Mostly loneliness but something. I have alwasy done this. Every time I finish my morning ritual you can catch me in a slump beside my bed scrolling. 

And yes you might say, well you're distracting yourself. maybe. But that is the only way I know how to live. It makes me feel something. It make sme sad most of the time but at least its something. 

Today I woke up with the intentions of being present. I made my breakfast without simultaneously watching anything on my phone like I usually do. I ate my breakfast on the dining table without any distractions and just ate. I looked at the clock and realized that I ate for a short 10 minutes. That was a very quick brefakfast. Maybe because I got so used to wathcing some video and just scarfing down my meals. I convinced myself that that's what it was or else I'll spiral into the whole weight thing and it was too early for that. After breakfast I knew I had to wash my dishes immediately or else they would pile up for days, that's one more thing I'm working on - giving myself time to clean up. And then I went back to my room feeling good that I accomplished something so I made my bed immediately just to keep the good feeling going, setting myself up for a good day. 

But then right after that I grabbed my phone, sat on the side of my bed, and started scrolling. I scrolled for a few minutes. and then I started to feel that sinking feeling. I started to choke, the dim sky started to get dimmer. My vision started to hyperfocus on my phone and the sadness creeping up. I started feeling bad for myself, I started to realise the things that I dont have. I started thingking about what coming out to my parents would mean and how I can never let them know or else. I started to see what I dream to be and how far I am from that goal. its overwhelming. I feel stuck. I feel like Im never gonna get there.